Motherhood its self is a balance but adding in a business and wife duties I find myself glued to my phone about 90% of the time. It’s become such a hard habit to break. I feel as if I’m missing deals or not pushing myself hard enough to grow my business in both my sign business but my blog and my YouTube channel. Oh and a little cherry on top college homework is my least favorite time of the day.

This will all be worth it,

This will all be worth it,

Maybe if I said it a third time I would actually believe it.

This will all be worth it, someday.

Growth is such a magical thing, as individuals we can’t see it clearly ourselves but from another person’s perspective they can see how far you have come from where you started.

Lately I feel as if I’m not giving my girls 100 percent of my attention like I use to. But also I have to remind myself I didn’t have my own business that was actually putting a paycheck in the bank. Paighton is hilarious because lately she’s been saying I have a baby boy in my tummy.

Where did she get this idea from you may ask?

No idea!

A baby boy in mommy’s tummy she repeats day after day. Oh what a world it would be if Peyton and I welcomed a boy into our family. She also has been saying I have twin boys 😅. I listen to my daughters that what ever they say I believe but this, sounds a little extreme. I told her she can have a baby brother from the store when we go by a doll. Because mommy isn’t having a baby right now. As much as I would love to welcome another little one into our family pregnancy is hard. I’m constantly sick, I grow out of my cute clothes, My fingers and face swell up. I just believe pregnancy just doesn’t look good on me.

Yes I thank the lord everyday that he has gifted me my daughters, but my pregnancy was awful for both. The constant back pain, I couldn’t sleep well. I could go on for days but the fact that no one has said anything to Peyton about. No baby, but what If I come back a year later and read this blog. I could only imagine my future selfs face when I found out that I could actually create a little baby boy!

What would he look like?

Would he look more like me or would he possibly look identical to Peyton! I have prayed that one day God grants us the privilege to have a son. So I keep playing boy by lee Brice to remind him of his miracles that he can do. I love my daughters so much but I know Peyton wants a son. There’s no denying that every man wants his mini me. When would I have time for a 3rd child? It’s a scary thought honestly, but I know I could handle it. Children are a gift from God and I’m blessed to already have two. Peyton and I know we want a big family. About 3 kids, maybe 4 if we are lucky. But with a new business and 2 kids, writing my blogs, doing online school is enough to just make you want to lay down and just relax. But you remember you have 2 kids and relaxation is for the weak. Or I guess that’s just what was installed in my kids heads.

Being a mom is tough work, but I absolutely love it.

Just the other day my little family and I took a trip up to Waco Texas. As we drove through I saw Baylor university. And honestly I got sad for a moment. I don’t talk about this much but I wish I had a true college experience. I wanted to live in a dorm, go to in person college classes on campus. Just to soak it all in, I’m going to college but it’s online and that’s not the same. Most people that I graduated with already got a class ring, and are either graduating or are about to graduate next year. Things like this get to me and I know they shouldn’t because some people would love to live the life I have.

It’s a “I wish” moment, one of those moments where I wish I had done it. While everyone was decorating their dorms I was changing diapers and learning to be a mom. I guess I can’t compare myself to others but it’s something I wish I got to experience.

Sometimes I think of the things I could of done and I get sad. But I look at my girls and know this is exactly where I need to be. This is exactly where God put me! He will not fail me!

The other day my husband surprised me with a getaway weekend trip to Waco Texas to see the famous magnolia market and try the most delicious Jo’s buttery biscuit and strawberry butter. 10 out of 10 most definitely recommend you have to go and just see how beautiful the market is! Other than that Waco wasn’t much, in fact there barely was anything else to do. However it was a college town which I totally forgot about. You see I wanted to go to college, I wanted to get that college life experience and live in a dorm etc. of course life took its path and I didn’t get the opportunity to do that because I was doing other things like changing diapers and feeding babies. However still to this day I get extremely sad about it. I’m still a college student, and I’m still gonna get my degree but I won’t ever have the true college life experience. My college life is a lot different from others. Instead of having friends bugging you to hang out I have two toddlers wanting my ever lasting attention while climbing all over me during my very important college test.

I could sit here and tell you a million reasons why I wouldn’t change my life and do things over but I would give you a answer as to why I feel like I missed out.

People I went to high school with are graduating while I’m barely done with my college courses. They are starting “real jobs” in the corporate world while I’m a “stay at home mom” raising babies. I feel as if I’m too hard on myself. And I most definitely am!

I’m still in college, after countless of times of wanting to drop out. I still log on and turn in assignments just like a normal college student but instead I’m fighting off two toddlers from pressing the wrong answer. I’m raising babies young while I have the energy and can do more things in my life rather than waiting till I’m in my 30’s to start a family and being too old to play on the playground with my babies. There’s obviously many pros like tons of pros of having kids young, but there’s also many cons and sometimes they are tough sacrifices you have to make.

I have a lot of demons hiding in my closet. Some of them are regrets of not being able to attend the college I wanted to go to. Or even the fact that I didn’t even apply to the college I wanted to go to just because I knew I wasn’t going to be able to attend after I found out I was pregnant. I feel like that was wrong of me because I missed out on an opportunity to see if I was smart enough to get into that college.

My girls have not held me back but I think I’ve been the one to hold myself back at the fact that I didn’t believe in myself as much as I am now.

Being a mom has changed my point of view of myself and women in general! We are strong individuals who can conquer anything we put our minds too. My girls are the reason I continue to share my story, the reason I started a YouTube channel. The reason why I started my own yard sign business called Sparkle My Yard. They are the reason I’ve pushed against the grain and being different for sure. Because it’s not about me anymore it’s about my girls and making sure they are taken care of.

When life gives you lemons make lemonade.

When life gives you kids, kiss them on the forehead, hug them tight and thank God that he made you a mother, (father, or whatever you may be). God has a plan for me, Jesus only had 12 followers and even if I don’t have many I know that I have 2 which are my girls. 🌸

-Carmelita Middleton

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